Light is my very nature, I am no other than light. When the universe manifests itself, verily then it is I that shine.
Astavakra Samhita 2-8
I’ve been struck by something beautiful. The way I can feel my breath move through my body. Discovering new sensations from deep within my being. The peace that can come from releasing judgment and observing who I am in that moment.
That last one’s a bit tricky, though.
It’s funny really, how many times I have the same realization. “Oh, wait… yeah, that was a judgment.” Reminding myself again to let go of the idea that my practice should be a certain way and instead welcome the observation of what is there; be it beautiful or imperfect.
My sadhana reminds me that although I am the same self that I always was (and will be), I am also different than I was last year, 6 months ago, yesterday. Each day leading to further self examination as I continue to discover parts of myself I didn’t know were there or that I had put aside. I hope that I am making progress -- working deeper, further. But then I remember, that at the very least I am observing myself with fresh eyes. Each time I remind myself to let go of that evaluation, it’s with new perspective.
And with that I’ve come to realize the beauty in it all. Sadhana in the best moments makes me feel beautiful and alive. Connecting with my self at a deeper level than yesterday is thrilling. Living through my truth that I’ve discovered has only served to make me happier, calmer and more clear. Of course it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, and there are days that are a hard and murky. But learning to trust that it’s all a part of that truth-discovering process makes it easier to accept things as they come and to let go of my judgements. Easier to realize that it’s all a part of the beauty. The knowledge. The light.
Watching my mind expand as more space is created within me, the feeling of calm that comes over me after pranyama, the countless times I think I’ve moved past the stage where I’m evaluating my practice, only to have it smack me in the face again: all beautiful.
Because even if I am coming up against to that same experience, I am no longer experiencing it in the same way. I react differently then I did yesterday. And most certainly differently than I would have a year ago. It’s amazing how much sadhana can change me, and yet not at all. I am still very much the same person